Jin-In Park (Baptism)
My name is Jin-In park. I grew up in the church and I have attended Young Nak since I was a young child. I was raised in a Christian household. All the values that I learned from my parents were from a Christian background. My life was very blessed. I was blessed with much more then I needed. I attended church every Sunday and I never really questioned my parents, why we go to church, and I never was opposed to it.
In the early stages of my life I went to Bible studies, I did quiet times (QTs), I finished a Bible plan with my family and I went to every church retreat. I even went on several mission trips with my parents. I sat in on sermons and I listened to the pastor with attentiveness. These are all activities and actions in which I participated and which I never gave any thought; I just naturally assumed that I was a Christian. However, I don’t think my faith was genuine in the early days of my life.
I can’t pinpoint a moment in my life when it went wrong, but there was a very gradual change where I had realized I wasn’t a Christian. This realization was not conscious, but it was sub-conscious. I started having doubts — doubts about everything. I questioned the reality of God, and I questioned God Himself. It was a very gradual decline in my faith (the “faith” that I thought I had).
When I was 18, my parents wanted to go on a mission trip to Cambodia and wanted me to go with them. I wasn’t baptized then so I had to be interviewed by Pastor Peter. In the interview he asked me, “Do you believe that you are a sinner and that God forgave your sins through Jesus Christ?” Without any hesitation I said no. I hadn’t given any deep thought to the question, but I gave an honest answer. He replied “Then you are not a Christian, Jin-In.” After hearing his answer, I was taken aback, those words seemed so foreign to me yet so true at the same time. I knew deep in my heart that I was not a genuine Christian.
After this realization, I lived my life however I wanted. I gave absolutely no thought to God. He was the last thing on my mind and in my heart. This is how sin had led me down a path to destruction. It was my selfishness that tricked me in my early years, when I thought I was a Christian. Yes, I have said prayers but not a single prayer was about asking God to forgive me for my sins, it was always me asking God for a blessing. My lust destroyed the way I thought about women. I was exposed to pornography since I was very young and have struggled with it for a large portion of my life.
My biggest struggle is with pride. I was filled with so much pride where I used to genuinely think that I was a perfect person and that I did not deserve to go to hell. This pride had deceived me my entire life, blocking my heart from God, and keeping me ignorant from the fact that I needed saving and a Saviour. Before Christ, there was absolutely no purpose in my life. My end goal was to just be happy and lead a “good life”, but this pursuit left me empty and even deeper in my sins. Although I’ve always felt lost my entire life, for the past 2 years, I felt more lost than ever. All my sins grew worse and they started to grow faster and develop in new ways. Meanwhile, I was ignorant to these sins, but in the back of my mind and heart I knew it was wrong.
One day in December, I remember the world spinning and I felt dissociated with the world. I would call it a brain fogginess or dissociation. I would get episodes where I would feel this way. Then on March 10th, I woke up from my sleep and my chest was extremely heavy. My breathing felt weird, almost as if it was fading away from me and with every breath I took, I somehow felt my life fading away from me. I got up from my bed and I went straight to my father and told him to dial 911, and I went back to my room. As I laid down again, I closed my eyes and pleaded to God to help me. After my pleas to God I prepared myself because I felt like I was facing my death. My mind got fuzzy for some time and then I got up and I was okay. For around the next 7 days these episodes would reoccur. During those days I lived in absolute fear, and it was the first time I thought about heaven and hell or what happens after I die. During another episode I told my dad that we needed to go to the hospital. On our way to the hospital I asked him, “What happens after we die?” He replied by telling me the Gospel. He said to have “child-like faith” and he calmed me down. I pondered on those words for a couple days. Then, on March 19th, it was like the Holy Spirit came over me. It was a very spontaneous moment, but I asked God for His help, and I acknowledged that I needed Him. I asked God to forgive me of my sins. The prayer was messy, but it was the very first genuine prayer of my life. I went and told my parents and I shared a moment with them and God, in complete tears. It turned out that these episodes I had were due to my anxiety and panic disorder. Although it is a struggle in my life, I have complete trust in God.
Now, how has my life been after becoming a Christian? Honestly, I go through so much disappointment and sadness. At my current point in my life, and my journey of faith, sometimes I feel like there is no change in me and although I am now a Christian, sometimes I struggle with the doubts from my life before Christ. I have so many questions about God, but there is one thing that I am sure of: that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins because He loves me. No matter how sinful I can be and after sinning against God every single day, His love for me has never changed and will never change. It is a love that I will never comprehend fully until the day I get to meet Him face to face. So, I pray that God will give me the strength and wisdom to live a life on this earth that will glorify His name.
“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” – Galatians 2:20