Before coming to Christ I was lost. I was living in the world depressed, unsure, searching, sad, lonely, fearing all the time, timid and closed off. I felt insufficient, not enough and I couldn’t escape it.
Relationally, I could never really make friends in primary and middle school because I was heavily bullied, even though I didn’t do anything wrong. People just thought I was an easy target and to add to that, my parents separated at that time so this feeling of being alone and depressed really hit me hard. I had nowhere to go. I felt as if I was always lost, searching, with no real purpose in life even though I believed in God.
My view of God was very twisted. I saw him as a tough-love kind of father who would only love me if I was a good person. I realized at a young age that no matter what I did, I could never be perfect and good, and that meant I could never really receive God’s love for myself. Regardless, I still wanted to gain God’s love because I believed that He was the one who gave me life and that I owed everything to Him. So, I felt that the only way to express my love and receive it back, was to be a good person.
The way I felt I could be a good person was to follow the moral principles my mom taught me from birth — always being thankful, humble, kind, forgiving, loving, polite and self-sacrificing. No matter how much I knew these things, it was impossible for me to constantly follow these points to a T every time. I felt as if I always was always sinning.
For 18 years I lived this way, but in early November, 2016, after joining Agape Impact, I learned more about who Jesus is and what He did by sacrificing Himself on the cross to forgive my sins. He, literally, is the Son of God and our Lord and Saviour.
In addition, I found out that the church wasn’t as bad as I originally thought. I had thought that the church was full of people who were totally corrupt and didn’t really love God. I realized that there are people in the church who really do have a passion and fire for God and discovering that totally erased the negative perception I had about the church.
After seeing all these new things, I was finally able to accept the cross and Jesus’s love for me which helped me really find myself in Him and feel like I wasn’t alone in the world anymore. I realized that God had loved me all along and that all I really needed to do was to accept Him. I put my trust and faith in Him who has called me and from then, I have been constantly growing in Christ and realizing how sinful I truly am.
After being born again, I was finally able to find my purpose—to glorify God and enjoy Him. I could never do that before because I felt as if God could never accept me because of my sin. I learned about the grace and mercy that God has given me throughout my life. Looking back on all the blessings and hardships that I’ve been through such as having a healthy body, a caring family around me and on the negative side, going through depression, OCD and ostracism, I realized that God wanted me to go through all that so that I could grow from it and become the person I am today. This realization was one of the greatest gifts of mercy and grace, to know that my life is in God’s hands.
From then on my passion for Christ has flourished and I feel a burning desire inside of me has finally been unchained. I am now able to truly know God and His Word and I have a community to help support me through it all. I love reading God’s Word, learning more about His character and growing with and in Him. Accepting His forgiveness of my sin, literally, has lifted a weight off my shoulders because I feel as if I don’t need to work for God’s love anymore. He has given it to me freely and from that, I am finally pursuing Him.
Blessed are you when people hate you and exclude you, revile and defame you on account of the Son of Man. Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, for surely your reward is great in heaven; for this is what their ancestors did to the prophets. – Luke 6:22-23